Lent 3-8

Things were going so well, really really well in fact. I was doing work and not being distracted by Facebook. I was actually looking at people not my BlackBerry when I was talking with them. I was keeping mycommitment.

And then Monday came along. Now the BlackBerry is still going well, but the problem is i wont miss my BlackBerry if I'm just spending more time on my laptop and well that is what happened. Rather badly. The 10 minute maximum essential Facebook communication kind of disintegrated, and I only really acknowledged that when I was half way clicking through a friend's photo album. I still didn't and still don't let myself see a Live Feed, I think trying to kid myself into thinking I'm still starving myself of Facebook. But the reailty is from Monday to Wednesday it has been a distraction from work.

Now I could look at this as a failure. It kind of is, seeing how I am actually on Facebook now talking to people as I type this. But it is still only one week in of over 6. That still leaves way over a month to go, and a month is ample time for transformation. I do need to bring back the self discipline and stamina I had last week and I guess maybe this week, for various reasons I just have not been in the mood to do that. And now I do feel in a better, more optimistic mood. Optimism isn't action though. I can't rely on my mood to do the work for me.

65

I should be at home now, I really feel like I should. Dad talked of this day as a goal to look forward to, a party worth celebrating. But he didn't reach it. I feel just plain guilty for thinking he was ridiculous, talking about his 65th birthday 2 and a half years early. And now he's not here. I feel like the ridiculous one. I really do.

I'm not at home though, and I don't think I need to feel bad about that. I'm doing what he wants me to, I'm doing what he showed me. He may not have been an academic but he was a hard worker and I've been working hard, not just in my studies but in the kitchen or on the phone or anywhere else. Working hard isn't all about making money and making your life, it's about working hard to show kindness to others. I'm still not there, but I am getting closer to being like him. It's an impossible target, as I can only ever be me, but I know I'd be better for being more like him. he was no saint, he was a human, but I like to think a pretty damn good one.

Now I feel less ridiculous, because it is still a party worth celebrating. It may be a party without any location and it may not be a birthday party anymore. It's an anniversary instead - 65 years of kindness and influence in not just my life but I am sure the lives of many others now and in the future. It's an influence I don't ever want to forget, although it's so big I never could forget. I feel so proud being able to say that. That's why I still want a 'party' - so everyone can know how amazing and lucky I feel to still know his presence everyday.

Lent 1-2

Day one was bad. I actually woke up feeling lost, like there was now a great big hole in my life. I spent the whole day pointlessly looking at my phone for emails and Facebook notifications that were never gonna come. And sending texts with a plethora of typos or even blank texts as I tried to get back to using a standard phone keypad, not a qwerty one. Nevertheless, I made it through the day with only the briefest and allowable visit to Facebook.

Day two was so much easier. I think it was because I was busier. I took a book with me on my day out which was very good seeing as I otherwise would have gone crazy spending 90 minutes on a bus crawling through the Warwickshire snow. Whereas on Day One, I was thinking to myself, this hole is not being filled with anything, I am still not concentrated on things, on Day Two I actually realised I was far less distracted. I paid attention to everyone who spoke to me. Except when I interrupted Clare about a hundred times but I always do that kind of thing.

My mind is still thinking, I wonder what that person is doing, I am curious to know what's going on. And I have all these thoughts in my head, but no one to tell them to. Well no network of 900+ people to see into my crazy thoughts. And its only two days in. But if the improvement from Day One to Day Two is anything to go by, maybe I'll find this to be a bit of a breeze.

Lent 2010

This year I am going braver than before. Giving up High School Musical two years ago was quite a feat for me (a feat that I failed). Suspending all my shopping urges last year was a challenge but one I achieved. This year though I am disconnecting. Well kind of.

For Lent this year, I will be trading in my Blackberry, my CrackBerry, for another, simpler phone. One where I can make calls and send texts, and be content with that. No more Facebook updates or push emails or brickbreaker. Just a normal phone. And then I thought, there's not much point doing that if it just shifts my Facebook use even more onto my laptop. So I'm limiting myself to 10 minutes maximum a day on Facebook, to recieve and deal with what I call crucial communication.

I guess I wanted to do this because the're just paradoxical addictions. I get so caught up in what's he doing, where she's been. who's said what, because I don't want to be left out, don't want to miss an email or an opportunity. And yet, I'm missing out on actually living. I'm too concerned with seeing other people living that I stay fixated on the screens, instead of actually connecting with the people I'm with at the time. That's not good. And that't why I've set myself this challenge.

I urge you all to think about something to give up, or something new to do, something that is fulfilling, whether you're Christian or not. It's a really fantastic opportunity for self improvement and exploration. That's certainly what I'm hoping to gain.

Letting go

I only realised today how crazy my birthday party idea seems. It's an idea I came up with a month ago, and one that I've been executing ever since. It's a kid's party. A proper old skool kids' party. We're gonna play pass the parcel (which took far too long to wrap), musical statues, three-legged race, make party hats, have vodka jelly and ice cream and so much more. I am celebrating my passing out of teenhood with a kid's party. Even for me, it's pretty crazy.

So what on earth possessed me to do this? Anyone else would hit some bars and clubs (which I did do, and very much enjoyed) or have a meal or go for a pint. Not revert back to an age of immaturity and naivety for the day. That's not why I chose to have a kids' party though. I wanted one because, actually, being a kid is pretty cool. Being a student is obviously awesome too, but the one truly awesome experience of childhood is the lack of inhibitions. You can be a pilot, you can play in the dirt, you can run outside naked and you don't care.

I'm not saying I want to run round naked. I don't think anyone would want to see that. The fearlessness of it all though is what I want back in my life. Any inhibitions, any worries just evaporate on arrival. The only limit was the sky. Maybe because I've got taller that limit seems closer. A couple of feet closer. That's nothing. I need to stop worrying, stop thinking I'm going to fail, stop fretting about where I'm going to go in life because if I do I don't go anywhere. I need to be more childlike and just let go, knowing if I get hurt they'll always be a hug to make it feel better.

Into the future

I’m reluctant to look back, because there’s so much to look back upon. It’s not just the end of the year, it’s the end of the decade, the end of half my life. Although that’s bad because it reminds me I’ll be old in six weeks time. But good because hopefully now you’ve read that you’ll be thinking about what presents to buy me.

Anyway, so much has happened. Of course it has, 3653 days is a long time, and I couldn’t have foreseen any of it. I was too young in 2000 to say, this is what I want, this is how it will happen. I guess I had my sights on at university and I’ve got there. But everything that’s happen in between has been, well, things that happened.

They’ve been a wealth of experiences, some that I engineered, others that I’ve had to deal with. I won’t forget singing Defying Gravity with a headset mic in Cairns, that was magical. Or the calm I felt knowing he was at peace. That too was magical, just in a different way. They’ve both weaved into my very fabric, my ‘me-ness’. And I can’t leave them behind, I’ll carry them with me into the future.

That future lies elsewhere though. That’s what I’ve learnt this year and this decade. You can’t be afraid to move on and uncover new experiences when the time comes. You’ll know when that time is, it’s when you’ve done all you want, all you need, all you can in one place and moving on is natural.

That’s how I want to go into the next decade. It’s not about ‘New Year, new me’ because, well, I’m quite happy we me at the moment. It’s about saying ‘let’s enjoy living’. I don’t need to have a grand plan for where I want to be in 2020, I just want to wake up to even more experiences and opportunities, and just be happy, so I can feel even richer in my life. It feels great knowing I will make it happen.

'Be the change you want to see in the world'

I wake up far too often just mad at the world. Actually, that's a lie but, well, I liked it as an opening sentence. Really, I go to bed far too often just mad at the world. Mad at this person, mad at that person, family, friends, colleagues, strangers, people I don't even know and never will do. I just get myself so worked up, even upset, all because I feel helpless, I turn myself into a victim of other people's actions.

Now I think it's right to get upset, although it's nothing I've ever been that good at. I wish I could just stop and cry things away instead of vexing out an holding on to the bad things. Anyway, we should get upset sometimes, it's a natural thing to do. But I guess I think there's always a risk of it being too selfish. That may sound harsh, but I don't know a better way to phrase it, as we are all guilty of it. Too often we, I, victimise myself and it is no good when it reaches such an extent.

What I need to do is stop and say, you know what, this is what I think is good way to live my life. Not a good way to live my life and my life alone, but a way to live a life on Earth. It is a shared planet and I cannot separate our actions from other people's lives. I need to 'be the change you want to see in the world'. I can't just go around thinking 'Oh this would be nice... but I'm too selfish to do that'. I can't just stay in bed and feel wronged. I can't just sit back and do nothing.

I'll fail on the way. I'll mess up and please myself instead. Or I'll get screwed over. But I believe that people do learn from others. It might not be instant, and maybe I won't get unscrewed (not the best word). I still think that person will one day think, I need to do something nice. It may seem naive but it is what I believe.

I can't control the world (although it would be frickin' awesome if I could). Even better though is knowing the world can't control me. In that gap is a chance to change the world. I don't want it to slip away from me.