Lent 2010

This year I am going braver than before. Giving up High School Musical two years ago was quite a feat for me (a feat that I failed). Suspending all my shopping urges last year was a challenge but one I achieved. This year though I am disconnecting. Well kind of.

For Lent this year, I will be trading in my Blackberry, my CrackBerry, for another, simpler phone. One where I can make calls and send texts, and be content with that. No more Facebook updates or push emails or brickbreaker. Just a normal phone. And then I thought, there's not much point doing that if it just shifts my Facebook use even more onto my laptop. So I'm limiting myself to 10 minutes maximum a day on Facebook, to recieve and deal with what I call crucial communication.

I guess I wanted to do this because the're just paradoxical addictions. I get so caught up in what's he doing, where she's been. who's said what, because I don't want to be left out, don't want to miss an email or an opportunity. And yet, I'm missing out on actually living. I'm too concerned with seeing other people living that I stay fixated on the screens, instead of actually connecting with the people I'm with at the time. That's not good. And that't why I've set myself this challenge.

I urge you all to think about something to give up, or something new to do, something that is fulfilling, whether you're Christian or not. It's a really fantastic opportunity for self improvement and exploration. That's certainly what I'm hoping to gain.

Letting go

I only realised today how crazy my birthday party idea seems. It's an idea I came up with a month ago, and one that I've been executing ever since. It's a kid's party. A proper old skool kids' party. We're gonna play pass the parcel (which took far too long to wrap), musical statues, three-legged race, make party hats, have vodka jelly and ice cream and so much more. I am celebrating my passing out of teenhood with a kid's party. Even for me, it's pretty crazy.

So what on earth possessed me to do this? Anyone else would hit some bars and clubs (which I did do, and very much enjoyed) or have a meal or go for a pint. Not revert back to an age of immaturity and naivety for the day. That's not why I chose to have a kids' party though. I wanted one because, actually, being a kid is pretty cool. Being a student is obviously awesome too, but the one truly awesome experience of childhood is the lack of inhibitions. You can be a pilot, you can play in the dirt, you can run outside naked and you don't care.

I'm not saying I want to run round naked. I don't think anyone would want to see that. The fearlessness of it all though is what I want back in my life. Any inhibitions, any worries just evaporate on arrival. The only limit was the sky. Maybe because I've got taller that limit seems closer. A couple of feet closer. That's nothing. I need to stop worrying, stop thinking I'm going to fail, stop fretting about where I'm going to go in life because if I do I don't go anywhere. I need to be more childlike and just let go, knowing if I get hurt they'll always be a hug to make it feel better.

Into the future

I’m reluctant to look back, because there’s so much to look back upon. It’s not just the end of the year, it’s the end of the decade, the end of half my life. Although that’s bad because it reminds me I’ll be old in six weeks time. But good because hopefully now you’ve read that you’ll be thinking about what presents to buy me.

Anyway, so much has happened. Of course it has, 3653 days is a long time, and I couldn’t have foreseen any of it. I was too young in 2000 to say, this is what I want, this is how it will happen. I guess I had my sights on at university and I’ve got there. But everything that’s happen in between has been, well, things that happened.

They’ve been a wealth of experiences, some that I engineered, others that I’ve had to deal with. I won’t forget singing Defying Gravity with a headset mic in Cairns, that was magical. Or the calm I felt knowing he was at peace. That too was magical, just in a different way. They’ve both weaved into my very fabric, my ‘me-ness’. And I can’t leave them behind, I’ll carry them with me into the future.

That future lies elsewhere though. That’s what I’ve learnt this year and this decade. You can’t be afraid to move on and uncover new experiences when the time comes. You’ll know when that time is, it’s when you’ve done all you want, all you need, all you can in one place and moving on is natural.

That’s how I want to go into the next decade. It’s not about ‘New Year, new me’ because, well, I’m quite happy we me at the moment. It’s about saying ‘let’s enjoy living’. I don’t need to have a grand plan for where I want to be in 2020, I just want to wake up to even more experiences and opportunities, and just be happy, so I can feel even richer in my life. It feels great knowing I will make it happen.

'Be the change you want to see in the world'

I wake up far too often just mad at the world. Actually, that's a lie but, well, I liked it as an opening sentence. Really, I go to bed far too often just mad at the world. Mad at this person, mad at that person, family, friends, colleagues, strangers, people I don't even know and never will do. I just get myself so worked up, even upset, all because I feel helpless, I turn myself into a victim of other people's actions.

Now I think it's right to get upset, although it's nothing I've ever been that good at. I wish I could just stop and cry things away instead of vexing out an holding on to the bad things. Anyway, we should get upset sometimes, it's a natural thing to do. But I guess I think there's always a risk of it being too selfish. That may sound harsh, but I don't know a better way to phrase it, as we are all guilty of it. Too often we, I, victimise myself and it is no good when it reaches such an extent.

What I need to do is stop and say, you know what, this is what I think is good way to live my life. Not a good way to live my life and my life alone, but a way to live a life on Earth. It is a shared planet and I cannot separate our actions from other people's lives. I need to 'be the change you want to see in the world'. I can't just go around thinking 'Oh this would be nice... but I'm too selfish to do that'. I can't just stay in bed and feel wronged. I can't just sit back and do nothing.

I'll fail on the way. I'll mess up and please myself instead. Or I'll get screwed over. But I believe that people do learn from others. It might not be instant, and maybe I won't get unscrewed (not the best word). I still think that person will one day think, I need to do something nice. It may seem naive but it is what I believe.

I can't control the world (although it would be frickin' awesome if I could). Even better though is knowing the world can't control me. In that gap is a chance to change the world. I don't want it to slip away from me.

Action 43: Hug someone

There's not a lot I want to say about hugs. They're a simple act that any of is can do anywhere, anytime that everyone understands. It doesn't involve knowing the troubles someone is going through, it just says I care. I care and I'm here when you need a hug, when you need a shoulder, when you need a cuppa, when you need a friend.

Don't stop and wait for someone to ask for a hug. Give a hug when you. Give a hug when they're happy and you're happy. Give a hug whenever you want, because it's bound to be appreciated and make people feel better, make the world feel better.

My inspiration

This past year has been incredible, I really don't think there's any better word to describe it. Incredible doesn't have to always be good and it hasn't always been good. There's been so many times thinking, I'm not sure if I can do this and times when I've thought this would be so much easier if he was still here.

I automatically get drawn back to that time, one year ago, thinking, what was running through my head, what was I doing at the time, what was I doing the day after, how did I react. I always get too hung up on that kind of thing, I really don't know why. Maybe it's because I worry I didn't do enough, or I didn't feel enough. But I can remember two feelings. First there was the fear, seeing into his eyes, knowing there was nothing that could be done anymore. And then there was the immediate sense of calm when it was over, I just felt this relief descend to me, stillness and peace in the room.

I think why don't I seem to miss him like people expect me to, why aren't I stopping and remembering him. I do, sometimes. I think it's important to stop and remember anyone who's altered our lives, whether they be your Dad or that solider in World War One. But that is only part of remembering - it should have an active component as well, and I hope I honour him in what I do. I finally realised what effort he put into Rotary when I was fundraising earlier this year. I try to match the kindness he showed to everyone, literally everyone. I'm not quite the 'true gentleman' he was yet though. I understand how hard working he was for us and how proud he was of what we achieved.

In that way, he lives in me. It's taken me a year to realise it and I can't even tell him but he's the biggest role model I've ever had. I look up to him more now than anyone. I don't need to be scared of doing things by myself. I didn't need to be scared of coming to uni because he prepared me for it all, he showed me how to live and be happy. I may not have known it, I may not have appreciated it, I didn't even appreciate him always. But I do now, and I'm so grateful he was in my life, so lucky that he was my Dad.

Action 126: Write a letter

I got post today. I really love getting post. That's something I'll hint at even more now by saying my address is HB109.2, University of Warwick. Anyway, today I got post from my Aunt. IT was made even better by the fact that it had money in it. But I was still really excited to get my first bit of post. I always got excited at the thought of post. When I first joined the Youth Council, the fact that I would get regular post was a major selling point to me.

Don't tell me you feel the same. I mean, we get emails a lot and emails are great, texts are great, but it's all done in an instant, it's very easy to do, it's all quite effortless. Writing a letter though, or sending someone a card when they don't expect it is something special. Sending an email when someone doesn't expect it is something special of course, but this is even more special. It's taking part in an art form we've almost forgotten about. It's getting some paper, getting a nice pen, writing nicely, getting an envelope and a stamp and physical posting it. It's a process far more enjoyable, far more active than typing and clicking.

I wrote my first letter from uni on Thursday and I know the recipients appreciated it. That to me is what letter writing is about - adding something special to someone's day, sending them a smile through the post, even if it takes about 7 years to get there because basically the Royal Mail is crap. Despite that, I will send a letter to anyone who wants one and then you might get that little lift to your day I had because you've got post.